Pour Some Syntactical Splendor on Me, In the Name of Love

Taken from a winning user profile. Edited out a lot more than you see here. It went on and on...

UBER PERSONALITY GUARANTEE: I guarantee that meeting me will leave you simultaneously thrilled, inspired, confused, craving, self-confident, and self-conscious. My best physical features: 6-way tie among my (1)eyes (2)abs (3)perfectly proportioned ears (4)triceps that women keep finding excuses to touch during casual conversation (5)smile (can't see it in these pics, but take my word for it) (6)a voice that "just has that effect"....

Summon my cerebral sensibilities with a splurge of syntactical splendor or syllogistic spectacle...Or, send me a cleverly chosen E-card to get my attention. To be more specific...if you really want to make an impression on me, then be able to do the following things all at once: Walk. Chew gum. Expound on the political economy of AIG, CIT, TARP, TALF, PPIP, FDIC, SEC, CFTC.....Flaunt it on the dance floor, demonstrating that your "assets" are worthy of starring in a Shorty Biggy music video....

Leave me speechlessly confounded over whether you look more ravishing in a scarlet cheongsam, rhinestone-laced tube top, or curve-cradling pinstriped power suit...while teaching speech, pausing only to manage simultaneous PR and marketing campaigns on your Blackberry during a coffee break. Render me powerless to figure out which lights me more on fire: the passion in your kiss, or the compassion in your deeds. Be my combination tour guide, curator, interpreter, and resort pal for the world's most fascinating cities. Satisfactorily explain to me where you've been all my life...

And finally, I need a woman who empathizes with my age dilemma: my calendar age is 30-something; my soul age is 1,000-something; my mental age is 50-something; my physical age is 20-something; my technological age is "divide by zero" times Moore's Law......